Okay, let’s start with a disclaimer: I don’t want to sleep with any of these people. At all. In any way. But, again, if I were a $1000-an-hour hooker, it would be part of my work. And as much as I wouldn’t want to make lunch for Colin Powell, cut Condoleezza Rice’s hair, or sell Arlen Spector shoes, work is work and sometimes you have to suck it up. Nevertheless, the President is kind of a big deal, and you could score major blackmail points–especially with the Republicans–if it came out that certain candidates were big pole-smokers. Now, THIS IS ALL TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL AND I’M NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING ABOUT THE SEXUAL PREFERENCES OF ANY CANDIDATES, REAL OR FICTIONAL, AND IF ANY OF YOU REPUBLICANS DO GET ELECTED I’D RATHER NOT BE THROWN INTO A SECRET POLITICAL PRISON IN EASTERN EUROPE AND TORTURED, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I’m also not implying that hookers should blackmail their clients. But, nevertheless, here are my going rates for the current Republican Presidential candidates.

Rudy Giuliani. The frontrunner. Possibly the most heterosexual man alive. He strikes me as a big vag-muncher, and even though he’s probably not that great at it I also can’t imagine what he’d do if some other guy’s peepee got anywhere near him, even if it was a totally not-gay threeway and the girl was in the middle on all fours and so they dudes would be at least a couple of heterosexual feet apart from each other. I don’t like him at all, but he’s not offensively ugly. I mean, he’s ugly, don’t get me wrong, just not offensively so. As much as I don’t want to sleep with him and I think he’d be a terrible president, I’d just charge my regular $1000. And, you know, make sure that this song was playing on repeat.

Fred Thompson. Euggh. He makes Chris Dodd look like a catch. Despite what the British press and country star Lorrie Morgan apparently think. Also, Law and Order is a boring, boring program and I don’t care how many hours of the day it’s on, it’s still boring. There, I said it. $2500.

John McCain. Apparently he has trouble keeping his pants zipped. And, you know, certain members of his campaign aren’t beyond paying for sex (although Christ, even the nasty cracked-out hookers in front of the 7-11 near my house charge more than that dude was offering.) And I have to say, McCain has a certain charisma (that seems to have come with age, judging from the unattractive Vietnam-era pictures that just came up when I Google image-searched “young John McCain.” I think he’s pretty lame and I don’t advise voting for him, but I’d do him for the regular $1000 and bet it would be better than average.

Mitt Romney. Mitt Romney is, more or less, the devil incarnate. Plus he’s mean to animals. And his kids are clearly zombies, which means his semen is probably, you know, an unnatural color. Like dark gray. Now, I’m not above having innocent little crushes on pasty Mormons here and there. And, in certain pictures, Romney even looks like a good-looking guy. But, for the love of Christ, I don’t think I could handle this man’s flesh touching mine. $5000. No, $7,500. Plus monthly payouts for the next five years. And lots of drugs, to dull the memories. And if it was some pre-arranged thing where I didn’t know who it was beforehand, I’d totally make myself throw up on his shoes to get out of it.

Ron Paul. Wearing a really absurd tie. Judging from his Wikipedia entry, he doesn’t seem like such a bad guy. He’s against the war in Iraq, the war on drugs, and the Patriot Act. He even wants to get rid of the Department of Homeland Security. And while yes, he’s anti-abortion and, well, not so into protecting the environment or allowing the gays to adopt babies, he’s at least less evil than a lot of other candidates. On the other hand, can you imagine trying to get a boner around this guy? $1000. And hopefully he’d just want a no-recip hummer.

Mike Huckabee. Well, he’s, a frat boy in training, which means that it’s pretty likely he likes penises in his mouth. Plus, I appreciate his stance as “a rock and roller who used to be fat.” And by Republican standards, he looks like frigging David Beckham, which probably is helped by the fact that he’s younger than my parents. (He may possibly have the Romney bad sperm thing going on, though.) And, since I started doing some research into Mr Huckabee (you know, like, nine minutes ago), I’ve become sort of fascinated with him. In fact, I’d probably bone the dude for free once you got a couple of drinks in me–and, as much as I think hunting is stupid, he does look kinda cute in those fatigues. But politically he’s not so great (he’s okay about the environment, sort of, but supports teaching creationism in schools and keeping the war going.) So, I might give him a discount for not being Mitt Romney, but only 10% or so. $900.

Duncan Hunter. Duncan Hunter is wrong about everything he could possibly be wrong about. On the other hand, he talks with his hands, which means he’s probably into role-playing and/or watersports. $1000, but only because I doubt I’d even recognize him if he showed up at my door. Otherwise, $1500.

Sam Brownback looks like my eighth grade math teacher, only more sinister. Actually, he kind of looks like a pedophile, in this picture at least, which means that more likely than not he’d have no interest in my services, since I’m what you might call somewhat bear-like. Like Duncan Hunter, I doubt I’d know who he was if he showed up at my door, even if he said his name, and so I’d just charge him the regular $1000. Plus, you know, it’d be hard to drive up the price for someone who’s clearly not going to amount to anything anyway.

Tom Tancredo. A racist and an idiot. $2000, because he’s goofy enough that I might actually recognize him.

And now, gentle readers, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go wash my brain out with soap.

Original post by autonomyboy