Every year I say that I’m going to start watching football, and every year autumn flies by so damn quickly that the season’s over before I see my first game. But, I thought I’d give my predictions for this year’s post-season, based on how much I want to sleep with key players. It might not be the most scientific method, but hey, I’m right sometimes.

Although football players tend have really gay titles for their positions* like wide receiver and tight end, I thought I’d decide the first round of playoffs by comparing the quarterbacks in the four games happening this weekend.
(*Heh, heh. Positions.)

Game 1 - Washington Redskins v. Seattle Seahawks

First, let it be said that this is kind of the most exciting matchup to me. Exciting because, if I did pay attention to football, I’d be a Seahawks fan. I’ve never been to Seattle or anything, but they just seem like a cool team to me. But back in the day, in like ‘92 when I actually had time to watch men in tights run around for three hours, I was into the Redskins. Mostly because they had won the Super Bowl the year before and not because I have a thing for stereotypes as mascots.

Todd Collins of the Redskins is very plain-looking. Also, this was pretty much the only picture I could find of him. He seems like he’d be kind of selfish in bed, but he also seems like he’d have a big dick and savage your ass like there was no tomorrow, if in a lame fratboy way where he yelled out uninspiring things like “oh yeah!” and “oh yeah!” and “do it!” the whole time. Assuming it was during football season, when he’d have all kinds of aggression about being secondary quarterback for most of the last decade. During the off season he looks like the kind of guy who would put hats on backwards and then smoke too much pot and then not be able to get hard. Which is why I bet he mostly gets off on trashy lesbian porn. Call it a hunch.

The Seahawks’ Matt Hasselbeck, on the other hand, can be hot on some occasions. On other occasions he looks like Mr Potato Head, but I’d rather not focus on those occasions right now. I’d rather focus on the ones where he looks like… well, come to think of it, he’s decent-looking but never amazingly hot. In pictures, anyway. Although he is kind of sexy on camera, at least in that weird and totally video-gamey film way that must be wicked expensive because they only ever use it at football games and the MTV awards. I feel like Matt would mostly be into laying back and getting his moderate-sized penis fellated. I like bald guys, and he’s almost kind of a fox in the face area, but for whatever reason I just don’t get sex-vibes off him.

Head-to-head, I want Hasselbeck to win, even though his brother married twatface from The View. (Well, one of the hags from The View.) And they have their similarities (They’re both white! And from Massachusetts!) Honestly, neither one of them’s my cup of tea, but in the end I’m gonna have to side with Collins, though not by much.

Prediction: Redskins 20, Seahawks 17.

Game 2 - Jacksonville Jaguars vs Pittsburgh Steelers

The Jaguars’ David Garrard has a smile that creeps me out, in the way that I bet he’s probably kind of religious and too nice and genuinely straight to have a filthy tumble in the gay hay with. Ben Roethlisberger, on the other hand, is the kind of dude that lives for the moment his friends pass out drunk so he can teabag them and take pictures of it on his cell phone camera. Which, while it might not be romp you dreamed of, could be kinda hot, if you like your guys big and sweaty. He’s actually kind of a looker, in a way. Normally if guy are that big I prefer them not to be so smooth, but for whatever reason he’s a hunk. Maybe I just like him because he’s taller than me (a whole inch!) and bigger by like two pounds, which means a lot because his is probably all muscle, whereas mine is zero muscle. But yeah, I wouldn’t mind sacking him some time. Heh, heh. Sack. Balls. Pigskin.

My prediction: Steelers 31, Jaguars 14

Game 3 - New York Giants vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Giants’ Eli Manning is 26 but looks considerably younger. He has the disadvantage of being the less-hot brother in a famous family, and while that might still lead for us to have some nifty fantasies, it’s kind of hard to look at him and think about how all the hot genes went to Peyton. Not that he’s ugly or anything, and I bet he has a really low threshold for kink–he’s the NFL quarterback I can most picture bending over for a pretty lady with a strap-on, for instance.

Jeff Garcia, meanwhile, is over a decade older than Manning. And he’s married to a former Playmate of the Year, which I’m hoping for her sake means that his junk is huge and in proper working order. The beefcakey picture of him above (and this one) came from an online flattop shrine, of all places. They’re both hot. I’d happily sub for him, especially if it meant that he pinned me down with those sexy arms. Not that they’re as good-looking in color. Check out this picture, which comes from a beer pong website and has so many unattractive things going on in it that I don’t even know where to begin.

Still, I’d take Garcia over Manning. Although I’d be totally open to a three-way with both of them.

Prediciton: Buccaneers 41, Giants 38.

Game 4 - Tennessee Titans vs San Diego Chargers

This is the game I’m least interested in, because the last time I cared about football San Diego was my least favorite team and the Titans didn’t exist yet.

The Titans’ Vince Young almost always has a steely look of determination on his face, which could be kind of hit if you were looking up at it while he had his cock shoved in one of your orifices. He’s also 6′5″ and only 24, which means that he could probably go for hours and hours. He’s a handsome guy, if you’re into football players, and, should the opportunity arise, I’d be honored to service him.

Philip Rivers is also 6′5″. Occasionally he looks hot (like when he was on the cover of ESPN magazine), but any picture that shows his face head on looks really rednecky. Something about his arching eyebrows just makes me think of people that chase rabbits around their yard. Or the video for the Georgia Satellites’ Keep Your Hands To Yourself, which used to haunt me as a child. And that’s not sexy.
Prediction: Tennessee 24, San Diego 7

There you have it. If I had been on top of things all along (and weren’t writing at 5:15 in the morning) I might have some more interesting things to say, but for now I’ll just say if you want to read more about the QBs check out the ladies on this blog. They’re kind of funny and surely could all kick the crap out of Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Original post by autonomyboy