It all started with a conversation about a month ago . . .

I was watching an UEFA Champions League match one Tuesday afternoon.  The game was stale and my attention went from the match, to the cat laying at my feet, to the sad realization that I’m a bum.  My ringing mobile phone gave me some hope.  Ah-ha!  It was E!

J: Hello?

E: What’s up, Jacob?

J: Just watching some UEFA.  Whatcha up to?

E: Dude!  You gotta see the vid of the guy getting fucked to death by a horse!  It’s fucking hilarious!  The guy is like, ‘Hyuuggghhh!!  Heeeeeuuuhhhhh!!!’

J: HAHAHA!! Oh, man!  I’m gonna check that out right now!

And I did . . .

If you haven’t seen it, and if you’re in need of a good laugh . . . please, please, please check it out!  I don’t know if the guy really died.  I hope he died.  That makes it so much sweeter.  It has to be lethal!

So the man who got fucked to death by a horse left a widow.  She has a video, too!  I recently checked it out, but I didn’t laugh.  The vid gave me the creeps.  I thought, if only for a brief moment, that someone had secretly recorded my last date.  The woman in the video must’ve been well over 300 pounds (like my last date) and the cock that belonged to the horse looks a lot like my cock.  What?  You don’t believe me?  Hey, this is the internet, yo!  I thought every sad, lonely blogger claimed to have a gigantic, unholy penis.

We’ll get to some more religious talk in a minute.  What I’m trying to do is raise some penis awareness.  All men, at one time or another, worry about size.  Does size matter?  You bet!  It matters because there’s nothing better than showing off your penis and getting a reaction like, “Santa Maria de la Cabeza!!!  No, no y no!!  No me quiero!!”  If you can get a reaction like that . . . well . . . my friend, you have more than just a large penis . . . you have something used at Guantanamo Bay to make people confess to crimes they didn’t commit!  Other great reactions include, but are not limited to:

The hard swallow *gulp*, the widening of the eyes and the mousy *eep!*

Or another religious plea for help . . .

“Oh . . . my . . . god.”

It doesn’t even matter if the person is acting.  Try shrugging off a reaction like that.  It’s all mental!  No.  It’s ninety percent half mental.

The opposite reaction could be devastating.  The last thing a guy wants to hear is:

“How cuuu~~~~teee~~~~~! hee hee!”

or another religious reference . . .

“Awwww, look at it!  It looks just like a tiny Baby Jesus!”  (Dave Attell gets credit on that one).

Indifference at the sight of your penis could mean so many different things.  Silent approval or veiled disappointment are things a guy should not worry about at this time.  Maybe a reaction like:

“Hmmm . . . nice cock.”

Ann Landers says you should return the compliment.  I would go with, “Why, thank you!  The top of your head is lovely as well!”

I want all the guys out there in the world to take their vitamins and say their prayers.  It’s a cruel world  — filled with horse cocks and ebullient women.  Why are they ebullient anyway?  I’ll tell ya why.  The person (we’ll just say a woman in this case) has every right to make a snap judgment.  They are infallible.

It doesn’t matter what I write.  All the women on silentpillow can tell me size doesn’t matter and they have the final say.  Shit!  Not just women . . . anyone who comments on my blog has greater authority than me.  I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about!

Now if you’ll excuse me . . .

I think I’ll show some cam whore my hard, angry, blue-veined diamond cutter . . .

All three inches of it.

Original post by causticj36