Nearly a year ago, a man’s fantasy became reality: An Azerbaijani woman craved the Caustic Cock.  The story had the typical Caustic J ending.  There was a criminal investigation in Baku, several people went to prison, the global economy spiraled out of control and I blew my one golden chance … I don’t care about the first three consequences.  I avoided prison and I invested all of my money in pills and pleasure machines … so I’m going all right.  I blew my one chance to have sex with a woman from Azerbaijan!  That’s the killer!  Remember this gem from my post Transylvania 6-5000?

 Where was I?  Oh yeah.  European women.  Especially those from the former Soviet Bloc.  This all goes back to my “women-who-are-currently-oppressed-by or have-been-oppressed-by-brutal-dictators” fetish.  I think it has to do with me looking like a fat Fidel Castro and acting like a young Ceausescu.  Why a young Ceausescu?  Those were the jail days, baby.  That’s why.  I think it also has to do with the fact that I’ve met a lot of Eastern European women who had really big tits.

If Obama taught me one thing, he taught me how to hope.  Hope! … in the face of penile inadequacy.  Hope! … in the face of general fuckability.  Hope! … in the face of mental instability.  The audacity of cantaloupe!  And hope!  I held my chins up high after the Azerbaijan Scandal.  Her name was Kristi and now she’s dead.  Or something.  I don’t really know.  I don’t really care.  But I held my chins up high.  My double chin.  My triple chin, even (January was a tough month).  Now I’m losing weight, losing chins, losing doubt in my ability to find another Azeri woman.  Let’s just call them Azeri from now on.  Azerbaijani is kicking my ass.

So why do I have hope?  First of all, I received my first real comment from Europe this week.  Some German lady said she likes my “point of view” or something.  I don’t know German, but I can feel the vibes in comments.  I love Germany.  I know some German people and all they ever wanted to do was eat large meals, drink lots of beer … and fuck me.  That’s a doggone “A+ Country” in my book.

And then The Best Silentpillow Contributor of All-Time opened my eyes to Eurovision 2009.  The Best does not post on silentpillow anymore, but he’s still The Best … and will always be The Best.  We’re friends on facebook for Dog’s sake!  I am such an inferior little cockroach compared to him.  And I left a comment on his blog many moons ago and I came off as a total piece of shit.  I still feel bad about it to this day.  He keeps me on his blogroll … and I’m certain his readers and friends share a collective sigh of disappointment every single time they see my name and blog pop up in his blog.

Back to Eurovision … I love Europe so much!  I want to live in Europe and be all European.  It’s just too cool.  They would never accept me.  I would show up in Luxembourg and they would be like, “Get Out!”  And I would leave crying and travel back to this stinkhole … without dreams.  Those Europeans are so sexy.  It goes beyond Azerbaijan and Romania.  I want a French and a real Spanish and a Portuguese and an Italian and a Czech and a Macedonian and … put me down for all European countries x 1,000.

I rarely show love to Europe and South America in my blog.  I’ve had the worst luck on those two continents.  I will save South America for my next post because it is so tragic and pathetic … I don’t even know where to start.  I was so close to fucking a Brazilian woman on the most ludicrous conditions … Ever.  And it all fell apart.  Europe and South America are the new goals.  So long, Asian Appetizers and Luscious Black Women.  It’s time to fight the real fight.  No more ducking.

My Eurovision 2009 Predictions …

Dark Horse: Azerbaijan

Sentimental Favourite: Moldova

Despised Favourite: Spain

Hot Hopeful: Turkey

AutonomyBoy-Is-Right-The-Video-Is-Super-Gay Hopeful: Hungary (disqualified?)

And Because They Are French So They Win Automatically: France

I am an ignorant man and my picks are about as solid as my liver and equilibrium …

Beware!

Original post by ShakyJake