On August 29, 2007, a man’s fantasy became reality.  The Bukkake Files blog was born on silentpillow.  The posts were full of sour grapes, drunken remorse and profound ignorance.

silentpillow is the most progressive adult blog community in the entire world.  The stats back me up.  silentpillow attracts an equal proportion when it comes to gender, race, and age.  silentpillow is a working-class oriented blog.  Fuck the brandy swilling, cigar smoking elites.  The contributors and readers on this site are intelligent hard workers.  A heavy majority of the readers of silentpillow are college educated folks.  In fact, the overall Majority of silentpillow readers have a college degree And a post-graduate degree.  It’s true that silentpillow does not attract a large audience.  So what?  This site is the best.

Alright, class!  Raise your hands if you really think that I’m leaving silentpillow for good!

Wow.  I thought so!  But seriously, people … I’m leaving.  This is my last post on silentpillow.

This last post is dedicated to the most important person in my life — Me.  Allow me to present an homage to me.

Caustic J: A Retrospective

The first legit post in my blog was Smooth as Silk.  A lighthearted account of my days in Bangkok when I was 18 years old.  I danced and puked at the nightclubs.  I threw my hotel key down an elevator shaft.  I fell down several flights of stairs.  And I banged some really hot Thai women.  Some were average college girls … others were … women of ill-repute.  It doesn’t matter.  I played Connect Four with a Thai hooker and got my ass handed to me.  In the end, after the board game beatdown, I owned her ass … for hours and hours and hours.

I really loved coming up with the titles of my blog posts.  Here are some of my favorites …

*Kaustic Jolbermanne. 

- Huge fan of Keith Olbermann, so I thought I would drag him down into the filth at least one time in my blog.

* Romancing the Demilitarized Zone.

- A very popular post with a title I still cherish to this day.

* The BBC: Bukkake Broadcast Corporation

- I still want to nut in Antoinette Antonio’s eye.

* Smegmanomics

- I was right about the economy before the fall.  That particular post got me some unexpected dap from the economic and academic community.  I was really fucking drunk that night.

* Doomsday

- I was saddened to see marcypoo leave.  autonomyboy was threatening to leave, too.  A very sad day in the life of the J.

* Horse Cock J

- This is a title that my friends mention on a semi-regular basis.  I had a lot of fun writing that post.

* Gonzo Garbanzo and the Fidel Castro After Effect

I had another subject in mind when I wrote the title, but I was so fucking wasted … *sigh* what a pity.

* Auspicious Alliterative Antipathy

- I started writing alliterations on here and the next thing I know … hot Mexican women and Japanese-Italian-Irish women are knocking at my door and fucking my brains out.  Some of the best times of my life!

A re-branded Thai sex memory post was titled, Massage Parlor Masquerade.  I would go to the cinema in Bangkok at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and then visit a massage parlor after the show.  A movie and a hand-job.  That’s the secret to life, my friends.  The Labor Unions should fight for the right for a picture show and a HJ for all working people at least twice a week.  Economic Crisis: Solved.

* Children of a Lesser Blog

- Smoking and drinking cheap wine on the patio.  Laughing at people who were not there.  Singing to the Watermelon Mountains as they turned from purple to pink to black … Those days will come again.

* The Audacity of Cantaloupe

- My lawn char snapped and I somersaulted backward on my head.  This title was the result of my mild head trauma.

* The Harder They Come/The Harder They Cum

- I published these two posts during the darkest time of my life.  I was looking at serious jail time and public humiliation, but I kept posting.  It is an inspirational story of an inebriated maniac taking on the law.  And the inebriated maniac won.

* Caustic J’s Comment Contest

- A legendary contest and My Favorite Contest.  There is a True Hollywood Story waiting to be told on the E! Network about the winners of that historic contest.  All of the winners who actually received prizes met horrific deaths and/or unspeakable tragedy.  Bet you’re glad you lost in that contest now …

* Diablo 2

-Caustic J vs. The Super-Collider.  Final Result: J - 1.  Atom Smasher - 0.

* Paunch-ous Pilate

-  My favorite gay sex story.  I really miss that guy.  He was too hot for me.  Damn … How did I pull it off?  It was a fucking miracle!

* Forgetting Soyoung Marshall

- Soyoung, Soyoung, Soyoung.  My mustard-stained, mustard-skinned Korean ultra-hottie.  You dumped me!  That is a fucking rare event!  I took you to the zoo, Soyoung!  I should have left you in the monkey jungle.

* High School Musical 4: The Quickening

- That title still makes me laugh out loud when I think about it.  Holy Ghosts of Awesome!

* A Better Tomorrow/FLUP

- Caustic J vs. Swine Flu.  End Result: Caustic - 1.  Swine Flu - 0.

* Planes Mistaken for Stars/Women Mistaken for Men

- The last posts to generate real comments from real people.  A fitting end.

Worst Posts of All Time:  A Kink to the Past.  Penty’s Playground.  Almonds.  

Best Contest: The Comment Contest

Worst Contest: Aunty Bumpy’s

Fraud Contest: Caustic Jinn

All Time Greatest Post in the History of The Bukkake Files: 4giveness

Originally Posted: November 20, 2008

4giveness

I can take credit for two comic strips so far.  You will never read these comic strips because they were destroyed.  The first comic was titled “D-Head.”  I created this comic strip when I was ten years old.  The protagonist, “D-Head”, was based on my friend Chad.  Chad was a poser hell-bent on middle school popularity.  He was … a dickhead. “D-Head” had a dick for a head.  The only true Chad signature was the pair of eyeglasses set on the dickhead.  His best friend, “Semen”, was based on some other kid named Andrew.  Andrew was an innocent lad who admitted to drinking semen when asked by a group of malevolent girls.  He had no idea what semen was, and endured three years of relentless mockery and bullying.  I believe children are the future.  How about you?  Oh, those two silly comic strip heroes had many adventures fighting the Ku Klux Klan and morbidly obese English teachers.  The vulgarity knew no bounds.  Sadly, the comic strip was canceled by my mother.  “D-Head” predates South Park.  I was ahead of my time.

The second comic strip was titled “Chertoff the Ape” and was co-written by my very best good friend.  “Chertoff the Ape” was much more subtle compared to “D-Head”.  It originated from an AP Biology class and a casual note titled “LARGE ZOO NOTES”  There were many characters — most characters were nameless.  There was a girl with a ponytail, a shrunken elderly woman, a shoeless weirdo, a smug long-necked hipster and a really cool Jesus-like fella.  Chertoff was not an ape, but more of an ape-like man.  His arms swung at his sides as he grunted and perspired in front of an audience.  The common misconception was that Chertoff was portrayed as a bad guy or a fool in these comics.  Quite the contrary!  He was a beautiful man!  He snorted.  He cavorted.  He was such a gentle creature.  He would sing Jimi Hendrix songs and swing his limbs while keeping his head straight and upright.  God.  What a ghastly sight!  On second thought … this comic strip might be in the mix.  I never kept records.

Who cares?  Those comic strips are dead.  I’ve been entertaining the thought of another comic named “Little Witch.”  There is a foundation for such a comic.  I have all the characters, but the theme is … muddled.  Who is “Little Witch”?  She is the ringleader of the secret organization known as S.N.U.B.  She is the most important person in my life.  She is the most unforgettable and beautiful person I’ve ever known.  Fate will not allow me to forget her.  Unrelated admissions and scandals pull me back into her world — A world of deception, insecurity, tragedy, lust and ferocity.  Those themes hardly translate in a comic strip.  A smart man could pull it off.  Too bad I’m a sorry idiot.

I will never ask for forgiveness from Little Witch on silentpillow.  Never.  I will, however, ask for forgiveness from four other parties.  Let’s begin!

1.) Pinky the Thief:  Yes, you stole from me.  That’s fair.  You stole our photos and you stole my heart.  You let me stick my tongue up your ass at night and you would always iron my shirts the next morning.  Why aren’t we married?  You saw me piss on the side of a Beijing freeway for gosh sakes!!  So what am I sorry for?  I’m sorry I didn’t stay true to you.  I fuckin’ hate ironing my clothes.

2.) CaddyCat:  I’m sorry for not cumming inside of you.  Honestly, I’m sorry for the lack of cum in our relationship altogether.  That’s the thing!  I could make you cum in an instant, but you … you never really did it for me.  I’m not here to assess blame.  I’m just here to apologize.  Will you forgive me for not being all that attracted to you?  Remember what Pig Man would call you??  hahaha!  Cow!  Ohhhhhhhh…. and remember what everyone in China called me?  Horse.  Horse Cock J.  Wait … I’m asking for forgiveness, right?  Sorry, CaddyCat.  Sorry for not wanting to marry you in Shanghai.  I pass on partying to the break of dawn.  I pass on being surrounded by horny women from all over the globe.  I pass on your bisexual tendencies and all of your threesome invitations.  Wait a minute!!!!  I’m asking for your forgiveness?  Yeah, yeah.  Forgive me for being such a fucktard and a fuckwad.  Invite me one more time?  Please?  Pretty please??  With a cherry on top?????

3a-3b-3c.) Tookta, Bar, Mai:  My three wives.  We were married by a taxicab driver.  Our honeymoon was at the Hollywood club.  Tookta was my earth.  Bar was my goddess.  Mai … meh … you were a little dull.  I never fantasized about the three of you pleasing me sexually.  The real fantasy was seeing Tookta taking care of the cooking, Bar taking care of all the cleaning, and  Mai taking care of all the washing and pressing of my clothes.  It wouldn’t hurt if the three of you would do all the yard work, too.  I don’t want a wife.  I want a team of women to run the Caustic J factory.  So what am I sorry for?  I’m sorry for having such bad timing.  I was a boy!  You were women!  We can’t forget the stampede (at the Loy Krathong Festival).  We can’t forget the vengeful Dutchmen who frothed at the mouth when they saw me snag three incredibly hot wives at a pool hall.  We can’t forget the bartender who doubled as a magician.  We can’t forget the mayhem at the mall.  It was too good.  I was too young.  Forgive me for having such potential at 20 years of age.

4.) The Woman Formally Known as Stupid Idiot:  American Woman.  Stay away from me.  No, seriously.  Stay away.  You’re married now!  I salute you!  I once referred to you as Stupid Idiot because I thought you dumped me for some pandering pansy.  Nope.  You married a stand-up guy after all.  I think you did forgive me in the real world.  I just wanted to refer to you as The Woman Formally Known as Stupid Idiot, or, TWFKSI.  I like it.  I like happy endings.

Now, if you’ll excuse me …. it’s time to fuck shit up.  Watch out Japanese ladies.  I’m coming atcha!

Amen.

The Bukkake Files.

Original post by ShakyJake