I have this habit of constantly reminding myself that our relationship had started within the same week of my last one. Thanksgiving week, two years apart. I’ve also reminded myself that my last relationship was crumbling, this same month, two years ago. Sometimes I wonder if it’ll be like a habit. “I’ve found I’m only capable of being in a relationship with someone for 1 year and 3 months.” With the way things have been going, I find that questioning myself is better than trusting myself. I’m not completely sure why.I recently read this story. A girl was talking about “Men who explain things” and I just remember being so angry about it. Not about what she was saying, but about the guys that she was talking about. About the guys like John, who think they have the best answer for everything.We had another argument, which is a recurring nightmare in my life. And it was another ridiculous one, where he felt the need to tell me how to do something the “right” way. Then it just segued into him wanting to do things the right way and why cant I accept that he’s trying to help and blahblahblah. But, every time I asked him why he can’t just let me do things me way, there was no answer. If he’s just trying to help, he could do one of two things; Say what he wants, and that’s it… OR, even better, just not say anything at all. When the first words out of your mouth are, “Not to criticize you, but…” And the first words out of MY mouth are, “Then Don’t! Don’t say anything!” Maybe you should just, you know, not say anything? But then, you go ahead and finish what you’re saying. Ok. I don’t care. It’s not important, I’m just playing a game. Maybe I’d rather start ALL of my opponents on fire, rather than just flame one. Maybe I know that in MOST CASES, I’ll have a teammate behind me to kill the guys that are rapidly losing health! It’s called PRIMING the opponent, and that’s why I love being a god-damned pyro!!Ugh, anyhow, back to the point. Not only was it about how I’m doing it wrong, it was also about being stubborn. AND THEN it was about how I just don’t listen, to anyone. Not my parents, not my coworkers, no one. Because, you know, he goes with me to work every day to watch and hear and catch my every moment of ignoring them. I call him on that, then he says I talk about it all the time! “Someone asks you to do something and you say, ‘No that’s dumb, I’m gonna do it my way!’” Why yes, I DO ignore everything my coworkers say, which is EXACTLY why they want to promote me! Fuck that shit! Fuck YOUR shit, John. FUCK IT!*Sigh* Ok, let me settle down for a second. I feel like I’ve had it up to here with him. I just don’t know anymore. I have moments like last night, where I though about how much I loved him and how I don’t think I could ever stand to leave him and all that fluffy lovey-dovey shit.  That’s not how I am normally, but I guess it was a moment of weakness. And then there’s times like right now where I don’t know at all. I’ve even gone as far as saying something to someone else about it. I guess I’ll give the backstory.So, we’ve been living together, with another roommate for most of the past year. Recently we found out our roommate is moving come June, which means… We have to move, as well. So, we started discussing our options, and John doesn’t even mention us getting a place together. He was talking about moving in with coworkers, roommates, anyone, but me. I ask him if he’d even thought about living with me again, since, you know, it makes sense…. And he just did the same thing he did last time (which shouldn’t have surprised me, I guess), which is, “Well, it’s not my first choice…. I didn’t really CHOOSE to be living with you in the first place…. It just happened like that…” Naturally, that upset me. It is my fault for thinking something changed, but I can’t imagine why he would completely ditch the idea of me as a roommate entirely. But he did, for the most part.We’ve talked about it more, and I guess he’s decide he’s ok with it (probably because he doesn’t have any other options). But I don’t know if that attitude is ok with me, despite his reluctant acceptance. I mean, if I’m not his first option, do I still want to even be with him? I’ve been with him for over a year, and he still feels that way. Maybe I’d understand had we not lived together at all before that point. But no, it’s been almost a year of living together and he’s not sure..I have this thought about things. I had discussed it with him before all of this, too. I had told him I wanted to move out. Maybe back to my parents’ or maybe to the cities. Just not here. And he gave me so much shit for it. He whined and told me how he must not mean that much to me because I’m leaving him and we’d never get to see each other and wahwahwah. Well, I’ll say this again, I have nothing up here but him and a job. Now, this job isn’t paying me enough, and now he’s looking at moving away from me anyways. I had told him I CANNOT AFFORD TO STAY HERE. If I’m not going to be living with you and Eric, I WILL NOT LOOK FOR ANOTHER PLACE IN THIS CITY. I will not live alone in this city again. I didn’t like living in my little apartment alone. I never wanted to be there, because no one was ever there to spend time with me. I was ALWAYS at his place. Now he wants me to do that again, where I know I’ll be spending MORE time with him, wherever he happens to be living, than in my own expensive apartment. I won’t do it.Last week, I basically told a friend, “When it comes to moving time, I’m leaving town and telling John goodbye.” He’s never made any effort to see me.  He pouts if I don’t greet him at the door, but he waits for me to come to him when I’m getting home from work. Part of me feels like maybe it’s just time, and another part of me is heartbroken at the thought.Ugh. Enough of this. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what’s going to happen or where it’s going to lead. It’s all just part of a relationship, I guess. I don’t want to think about it anymore. When it comes down to it, and he hasn’t found a place for US to move (which I am leaving up to him), I’ll move back to my parents. Who knows what he’ll do. But if he does want to see me, he’s going to have to TRY and I think that’ll be a nice feeling for me.

Original post by ScarletHarlot